The Best of 'The UnMighty': 2007

After procrastinating my final blog till the last day of 2007 in the year of our Lord, I decided to search the net for ideas. I stole this idea from my friend Eric D. Snider. Instead of coming up with something original I decided to include some of my favorite lines from my previous posts. I hope you enjoy.

New Year, New Decade, New Son (Jan. 4th)
I’m feeling particularly reflective at the beginning of this year. ... maybe because this is the year I will breech the big 3-0. I use the word breech because I feel like I’m approaching this birthday butt first with my feet up by my head.

My Daughter and The Devil (Jan. 18th)
... “stop unrolling every inch of toilet paper we own or we’ll adopt you to a family someplace like West Virginia where they still use outhouses and wipe their butts with squirrels, you don’t even wipe your own butt anyway, what do you need fifty feet of toilet paper for?”

Improper Motive (Feb. 5)
Never mind that last time twenty guys got eaten by velociraptors, 5 guys were torn in half by a T-Rex while sitting on the crapper, which only adds to the humiliation, Newman (from Seinfeld) was blinded then eaten by the umbrellaheadasaurus, and two guys were raped by the gayasaurus (one died from VD and the other is still in counseling).

The Delayed Sting of Cupid's Arrow (Feb. 15th)
I pour the cereal and watch Maggie grip and work her spoon with all the coordination of an epileptic in full seizure and as she flings more food than she eats I can’t help but think how these mornings are so un-reminiscent of past childless mornings...

Public Invitation ( Feb. 27th)
In fact, to prove the quality of the modern bathroom stall writer I’d like to perform a small test. I’m convinced that unless you earned a degree in literature you will only pass this test by chance. Guess, if you can, which of these three excerpts and authors is not found in and did not write a classic novel.
1) “I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.”
-Walt Whitman
2) “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife.”
-Jane Austen
3) “Janice Wright is a fat ho-bag!”
-Dan

Smallest Talk (March 10th)
... when you decide to bring a child into the world you have basically fated yourself to the same line of small talk every time your small child is with you in public.
“Oh my gosh, He is precious!”
“He’s a she.”
“Of course she is. That explains the adorable bow in her hair.” [this is said with a squished up face, a high pitched voice, and a finger on the baby’s nose like she’s trying to get the baby to crap a Pez]

Free Time (April 18th)
I imagined your average Indian male waking between two buffalo hides, crawling out of his tepee where he meets his friend Shrieking Turtle. He stretches, does a 360-degree look around himself, and plainly inquires, “Well, what the hell are we going to do today?”
...“Let’s go steal something.”
“What?”
“Women and horses. What the crap else is there? I mean we’re freakin’ Indians. I’m wearing a loincloth here. Our lives aren’t exactly filled with options.”
“Why don’t we see a movie?”
“A what?”
“I don’t know. I’m just being crazy.”

The Hot Seat (April 23rd)
At home one of the worst things associated with the long sit down is the initial sting of a cold seat, and unless you’re willing to do the Japanese "stand-and-squat" you are forced to endure this inevitable shock of cold. This is only compounded when I unwittingly place my freezing bowl of ice cream on my naked thighs.

Top 10 Signs Your Wife Is Jealous Of Your Guitar (May 10th)
3) She ends heated arguments with a crude gesture and the order to “STRUM THIS!”
1) She refers to it as “The One Legged Whore.”

No P.C. in Munchkin Land (May 25th)
I recently heard that the PC Brigade has even gone as far as to try and strip midgets of their name. They are now pushing to make them known as “little people.” I hope you are as shocked as I was. I’m confused. (No surprise, since mass confusion is often the goal of such immoral paradigm shift attempts.) We used to call children “little people.” Pretty soon they’ll be saying “brilliant child” is the proper term for midgets.
“I’d like you to meet my friend Jeff, he’s a brilliant child. That’s him over there with some other children. He’s the brilliant one… with the big head.”

The Apple And The Tree (June 19th)
(No good lines here, but the pictures are worth the visit.)

Newfangled... (June 30th)
Back in my day we didn't have the net and we had to stalk our victims in person.

Room 116 (July 17th)
Hesitantly I move toward the drawer to investigate. I pull it out in one quick yank and without warning an angry piglet leaps from the drawer and hooves me to the ground with one powerful blow to the chest. He lands on me with all the fury of a Christmas ham, beating me mercilessly about the face and head with his fore hooves.

Salt of The Earth (July 22nd)
Warren: “Really? You looked like you was gittin’ Wi-Fi.”

Let US Pray (July 29th)
My father jerked me from the pew mid soap box sermon by my tie, told me I’m wasn’t Moses, and later informed me that the man was Polynesian and is allowed to scream in church. Not only that but he was also expected to eat an inordinate amount of Spam.

The Awesome Power of Pasta (Oct. 31st)
I was in the middle of busting a tight rhyme when some uptight cracker cut me off. Typically, I would have taken it like a spineless Nancy, but now that I was awesome I scooted to the center of the car, rolled down the windows, steered with my knee, and sped past the offending cracker with both hands extended out either side of the car flipping the biggest, most awesome birds I have ever flipped. I was on top of the world.

Would you like some egg with your face? (Nov. 17th)
...naturally they started swooning and shrieking with pleasure and breathing heavy and heaving their bosoms with passionate rapture; so much so that I thought some of the poor creatures were going to hyperventilate and/or bosoms were going to fly free from their lacy, cupped restraints.

Happy Thanksgiving. Do You Have A Reservation? ( Nov. 27th)
I heard that Johnny Reb is mad at Billy Yank because apparently Johnny wants to keep his Negroes and his autonomy but Billy is a control freak and said “no way.” Ironically, while Billy's army is fighting for our black cousins some of his army is out here giving us trouble, but for the most part their guns are pointed at each other, so it gives us a little reprieve. Maybe they’ll all kill each other and we can split the land with the Negroes.

Memories In A Flash (Dec. 4th)
... after you took the picture, while you were pouring over it with maternal enthusiasm, you missed out on a bunch of other cute crap our kids did. Cash did a little tap dance for passers by, and earned over $10 in change, and Maggie struck up a conversation about the pros and cons of Affirmative Action with an elderly black man. It was adorable. I’m sorry you missed it.”

My Top 10 Favorite Things About The Holiday Season (Dec. 11th)
5) A chance to grope women, who are out of your league, because they unwittingly walked too close to the poinsettia.

Miracles Abound (Dec. 26th)
Knees and feet pummeled my torso and crotch. Elbows and hands battered my head and face like a crazed diabetic Mexican trying to shatter a sugar filled piñata.