My Idea For A Children’s Book

So, the other night I was sitting down with my daughter reading, “The Lorax” by Dr. Seuss, and I started thinking, I could write this. In fact, my daughter could write this. It’s totally amateur. Half these words aren’t even real words. I looked them up. I’ll bet Dr. Seuss doesn’t even have a real doctorate. Eventually I concluded that if “Dr.” Seuss could write a book and be successful, I could write a children’s book and be wildly successful. So I got to brainstorming and came up with, what I think are, some solid ideas for my book.

My protagonist is a wizard. A boy wizard named Gary. Kids love magic, and Gary seems like the name of an approachable person. Gary is on a quest to find his family, which he was torn from at an early age. They’re polygamists and were part of a fundamentalist congregation that co-existed inside a very small compound outside of Waco: Waco, England. Gary will go everywhere on the back of his luck-dragon named Holyfield. We’ll have to give a little back-story and show that Holyfield is fiercely loyal to Gary because Gary saved him from angry mountain lions when he was still an egg and then Gary forced himself to lactate out of sheer willpower so he could nurse Holyfield as a baby. Every time they get in a fix and Holyfield has to fly really fast or kill someone with fire he’ll shake his head and say, “I’m gettin’ too old for this crap,” and then they’ll both laugh. The story will probably take place in two realms, which wizards like Gary have the power to go between; the Magical realm and the Gay realm. But he only goes to the Gay realm when he needs to procure new potions and spells from his magic mentor/supplier, a black guy named Anton. Anton will be the comic relief. He’ll have all kinds of crazy new tricks and potions that he’ll show off every time Gary shows up. And his catchphrase will be, “Abra-ka-Fabra”, which he’ll deliver regularly whilst resting one hand on his hip, snapping his fingers with the other, and furiously rubbernecking his head around. There may also be room here for a love interest. I’m thinking an Indian girl named Squaw. This would be good because kids love Indians with all their broken English and backwards ways. To broaden the book’s appeal, I think it should be educational. So it might be good to introduce words and scenarios kids should be familiar with. Maybe Gary could use his magic to help bust a meth lab or a crack house and then smack around and shake down the addicts for information on his family. Then they’ll have a heart to heart about the downfalls of drug abuse and the addicts will give scouts honor to never do it again. There should also be a chapter dedicated to sex education and how intercourse always leads to pregnancy and VD. (I’ll have to workshop some of those ideas, but I think this will make it marketable to the home school demographic.) Eventually Gary will have to confront and defeat the antagonist, the same man who took him from his multiple mothers as a kid and put him into foster care. I think the bad guy will be a mean cowboy wizard, named Sheriff Hitler, who rides a black Pegasus named Tupac who only talks it rhymes and drops, what he calls, “truth bombs.” And instead of six-shooters, Sheriff Hitler will carry two magic wands, which shoot lightning. And every time he blasts one of his enemies with his lightning wands he’ll do a victory dance, which is just of lot of pelvic thrusting while screaming “Cuminayeahaaa!” like Neil Diamond. Since kids like a happy ending I don’t think Gary will kill the Sheriff. Instead he’ll teach him the true meaning of Christmas when he spares the Sheriff from death in the final battle. That’s also a good idea because it leaves it open for a sequel where we find out that Sheriff Hitler is really Gary’s father.

That’s all I have so far, but what to you think? Too cliché?