Slip 'em a Mickey

I’m not what you would call a “pickle” guy. Sure, I like pickles as much as the next person. I’ll enjoy them with a sandwich, or on a sandwich, or even right from the jar if I’m hungry for a salty snack and there’s a lack of better choices. But I would never use “pickle” in a list of favorites, let alone to describe my tastes. Also, I can’t recall a single conversation, from my 30 years, when someone said to me, “I love pickles” or “I think the pickle is the best damn thing in the world. I think I’ll marry pickle and conceive human-pickle babies.”
No, I have never heard that.

But somehow, by some ethereal sorcery, when everyday people cross the threshold of the Disneyland barrier, they not only want pickles, but they want them so bad they’re willing to pay exorbitant sums of money to obtain one.
“Is that a pickle?” Joe Tourist will ask. “I want a pickle. Nay, I need a pickle! I must have pickle!! How much is pickle? Thirty-six dollars? That’s totally reasonable. Give me one.”

However, the spell Walt has over every person who dares enter his world holds no sway over me. For me, Walt’s domain (which I call Mordor) lost it’s magic in the summer of 1990 when I got kicked out (on my birthday) for nothing more than a few trumped up charges of assault and battery. I was taken behind the scenes to Disneyland “security” and it was there that I was first exposed to the dark underbelly of what was universally touted as “The Happiest Place on Earth.” Dwarves were smoking, ducks and dogs were gambling, and fairy-tale princesses were prostituting themselves for nothing more than a meal. During my short stay, before my official ejection from the park, I focused my senses and became an astute observer. It was there that I saw, firsthand, the puppet strings and learned the Wizard of Oz was just a man behind a curtain.

I saw the canisters, filled with various smells, (vanilla, buttered popcorn, etc.), which were systematically sprayed over the crowd as they walk past the corresponding food shops. I saw the cages where the Disney characters are kept at night. I witnessed an official Disney song recording session in progress where seemingly innocent Disney songs like “It’s a small world” and “A Pirates Life” are laced with subliminal messages that encourage over-spending, over-eating, the purchasing of ridiculous souvenirs, and promote teen promiscuity, binge drinking, communism, Celine Dion, and white supremacy.

Despite the blatancy of it all, no one is the wiser. The world has collectively been slipped a giant Mickey and it won’t wake up. It’s like the town of Stepford, but instead of robotic wives they’ve given us little robotic minorities who chant about laughter and cheer whilst brainwashing us into mindless disciples.

The most alarming thing I discovered was found in the journal of Walt Disney himself. How I stumbled upon said journal is unimportant. From the journal I learned that the capitalistic abuses of Disney Inc. and it’s subsidiaries are for one purpose and one purpose only. To secure Walt’s empire preliminary to the second coming. Not the Second Coming of Jesus, (I would have used CAPITALS to specify that one) but the second coming of Walt Disney himself.

A few excerpts from his prophetic timeline read as follows;
2012: The United States of America becomes The United States of Disney when Disney Inc. pays off the national deficit.
2013: World War 3 breaks out when the entire band of Franz Ferdinand is assassinated at the Mtv Music Awards hosted in Sarajevo.
2021: The United States of Disney emerges victories and declares world domination.
2022: A secret society named The Illuminati of Mickey thaws Walt Disney from his cryogenic status to full vitality thus facilitating his “second coming.”
2022: Walt Disney assumes his position as Supreme Ruler of the World and governs from the highest tower of the Disneyland Castle.

Yeah, I was surprised too. And, despite the fact that going back with my family in tow is only aiding the fulfillment of Walt’s dark prophecy, I went back anyway because I’m a sucker for large crowds and long lines.

In case you’re considering visiting The Black Magic Kingdom on your next vacation, let me tell you what you should expect to spend.
Entrance Fee: $66 ($56 for kids 3 – 9)
Pickle: $36
Churro: $72
Burger: $85
20 oz. drink: $98
T-shirt: $153
Yamaka w/ plastic discs stapled to it (a.k.a. Mickey Ears): $379
Giant Turkey Leg: $586
Glow-in-the-dark crap for post sunset: $1,105 (when I say "crap" I mean stuff. It's not an actual glow-in-the-dark terd. You get those at San Diego Zoo.)
Tiara: $2163
The look on your child’s face when they realize the full magic of Disneyland, try to beat you because of it,

and then collapse from heat stroke:

Priceless.

I wasn’t willing to pay full price for my turkey leg, but I was willing to tear it from the hands of a screaming 6-year-old and hide in the bushes while I ate it.

Paralyzed? No Problem.

Confession: my wife and I are one of those couples who are willing to slowly poison their kids with fast food to keep them happy. And if the fast food place has a playground, well, even better. Maggie can spend hours lost in those tubes while we sit peacefully, out of reach. One of her favorite things to do is go up into one of those plastic bubbles, take off her clothes, and “take a real shower.” We can see her up there rubbing her hands around on her naked body. It’s two parts white trash, one part adorable; like an Alabama wedding.


(I think that where we fall short in the modesty department, we make up for it in the hygiene department. What about those nasty STD germs, you ask? We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.)

Anyway, on a recent visit to Carl’s Jr. we were pleased to discover that Carl watches out for the crippled kids too. I was almost moved to tears by the example Carl has set and the work he has done to bridge the gap between disabled and abled people.



Are you handicapped? Don’t worry about it son. You can climb and play here. And with a little determination you can probably pull yourself up, and navigate yourself around this two-story tower.

Hey, that kid's abled! Get him out of there!

Ha Ha! Just kidding. You keep on climbing champ. They're also all about integration at Carl's Jr.

So head on down to Carl's Jr. for some good food and some good fun. And in case some of you parents of "special" kids are worried about safety, relax. What's the worst that could happen? They're already handicapped.

Top 10 Signs You’re Subconsciously Ready To Quit Your Teaching Job

10) Your students know more about Texas Hold’em than History.

9) When you come across a fight in the hall, instead of breaking it up you prefer to take bets.

8) When you get caught in the bathroom smoking, you refuse to remove the cigarette from your lips before you tell the principle to “bite me!”

7) You love to teach the kids of the “good ol’ days” by constant use of corporal punishment.

6) You can lecture for hours on the qualities of navel lint whilst extracting samples along the way.

5) Your favorite object lesson includes Nazi uniforms, the parking lot, and a giant pile of burning books.

4) When a parent comes to talk to you about why their child is doing poorly the only explanation you can muster is, “Well, stupidity breeds stupidity.”

3) Your way of “preparing kids for the real world” is by administering the occasional sucker punch, and stealing their lunch money.

2) You stopped bothering to learn names long ago and now just refer to all your students as “Numb-Nuts”.

1) In a year end self evaluation, you give yourself an F.

For A Good Time...

I have long been intrigued by the writings on bathroom stall walls. In fact, I wrote about that fascination in February of '07 in a post titled Public Invitation. The idea to turn it into a video came only recently when I thought it would be interesting to see how one of those scenarios might play out. I also felt some degree of responsibility to warn those who may be actively seeking friendship, or more, in such a manner.