10) Top 10 most inspiring quotes I’ve read on a throw pillow
9) Top 10 most vicious venereal diseases (complete w/ informative pictures)
8) Top 10 least extreme animals
7) Top 10 funniest learning disabilities
6) Top 10 most innocuous racial slurs
5) Top 10 favorite fonts
4) Top 10 most fun things to do standing up
3) Top 10 itchy places on my body
2) Top 10 worst jokes to crack while your wife is in labor
1) Top 10 numbers between 1 and 10
Please, let me know which of these lists you would like to see most. Also, feel free to leave your own "Top 10" suggestions as well.
Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Top 10 worst moments to experience spontaneous, explosive diarrhea
10) While spinning naked, at zero gravity, in the space shuttle
9) While stuck in a broken elevator with five strangers
8) The exact moment you pass through the metal detector at airport security
7) While delivering your first baby (you’re the doctor)
6) While standing on the diving board at the public pool
5) While performing the “how many clowns can we fit in this VW Bug” trick at the circus
4) While lying face down on the proctologist’s examination table
3) While climbing into bed on your wedding night
2) While leading a post cave-in escape through a very narrow passage
1) While looking down the barrel of gun of a man with a hair-trigger and a sensitive nose
9) While stuck in a broken elevator with five strangers
8) The exact moment you pass through the metal detector at airport security
7) While delivering your first baby (you’re the doctor)
6) While standing on the diving board at the public pool
5) While performing the “how many clowns can we fit in this VW Bug” trick at the circus
4) While lying face down on the proctologist’s examination table
3) While climbing into bed on your wedding night
2) While leading a post cave-in escape through a very narrow passage
1) While looking down the barrel of gun of a man with a hair-trigger and a sensitive nose
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Top 10 Signs You’re Subconsciously Ready To Quit Your Teaching Job
10) Your students know more about Texas Hold’em than History.
9) When you come across a fight in the hall, instead of breaking it up you prefer to take bets.
8) When you get caught in the bathroom smoking, you refuse to remove the cigarette from your lips before you tell the principle to “bite me!”
7) You love to teach the kids of the “good ol’ days” by constant use of corporal punishment.
6) You can lecture for hours on the qualities of navel lint whilst extracting samples along the way.
5) Your favorite object lesson includes Nazi uniforms, the parking lot, and a giant pile of burning books.
4) When a parent comes to talk to you about why their child is doing poorly the only explanation you can muster is, “Well, stupidity breeds stupidity.”
3) Your way of “preparing kids for the real world” is by administering the occasional sucker punch, and stealing their lunch money.
2) You stopped bothering to learn names long ago and now just refer to all your students as “Numb-Nuts”.
1) In a year end self evaluation, you give yourself an F.
9) When you come across a fight in the hall, instead of breaking it up you prefer to take bets.
8) When you get caught in the bathroom smoking, you refuse to remove the cigarette from your lips before you tell the principle to “bite me!”
7) You love to teach the kids of the “good ol’ days” by constant use of corporal punishment.
6) You can lecture for hours on the qualities of navel lint whilst extracting samples along the way.
5) Your favorite object lesson includes Nazi uniforms, the parking lot, and a giant pile of burning books.
4) When a parent comes to talk to you about why their child is doing poorly the only explanation you can muster is, “Well, stupidity breeds stupidity.”
3) Your way of “preparing kids for the real world” is by administering the occasional sucker punch, and stealing their lunch money.
2) You stopped bothering to learn names long ago and now just refer to all your students as “Numb-Nuts”.
1) In a year end self evaluation, you give yourself an F.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Top 10 Most Surprising Things I’ve Read In a Panda Express Fortune Cookie
10) “We call this place ‘Panda Express’ because there’s an actual panda in the back ‘expressing’ all the food from his bowels.”
9) “You’ve just ingested at least 6 ounces of pure MSG.”
8) “Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.”
7) “If they wanted too, any one of the employees could jump across the counter and kung fu your a%#.”
6) “My name Javier. I’m a nine-year-old boy and I live in a sweatshop just outside of Caracas, Venezuela where we are forced to write fortunes 13 hours a day. Please Help!”
5) “說 文 解 字 说 文 解 字.”
4) “A monetary reward will be paid to anyone who kills escaped capitalist Chinese citizens.” –General Mao Zedong
3) “You just ate Orange Chicken.”
2) “Impending doom awaits around every corner. Your violent demise is certain. Sorry.”
1) “Made In Taiwan”
9) “You’ve just ingested at least 6 ounces of pure MSG.”
8) “Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.”
7) “If they wanted too, any one of the employees could jump across the counter and kung fu your a%#.”
6) “My name Javier. I’m a nine-year-old boy and I live in a sweatshop just outside of Caracas, Venezuela where we are forced to write fortunes 13 hours a day. Please Help!”
5) “說 文 解 字 说 文 解 字.”
4) “A monetary reward will be paid to anyone who kills escaped capitalist Chinese citizens.” –General Mao Zedong
3) “You just ate Orange Chicken.”
2) “Impending doom awaits around every corner. Your violent demise is certain. Sorry.”
1) “Made In Taiwan”
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
My Top 10 Favorite Things About The Holiday Season
10) Everyone gets good at acting like they enjoy crap that they hate the rest of the year… like ballet.
9) Extremely outdated animation
8) The chance to sit around with the old folks listening to them breath through their noses so loud you think Lord Vader is in the room.
7) The superior feeling of Christian exclusivity
6) A chance to kiss women, who are out of your league, because they unwittingly stepped under the mistletoe.
5) A chance to grope women, who are out of your league, because they unwittingly walked too close to the poinsettia. (family tradition)
4) Late night Christmas Eve toy construction when it's o.k. to swear
3) Christmas MURDER! (Because the rest of the year it’s just plain murder.)
2) Midgets get to walk freely among normal people.
1) Conifer Genocide!
9) Extremely outdated animation
8) The chance to sit around with the old folks listening to them breath through their noses so loud you think Lord Vader is in the room.
7) The superior feeling of Christian exclusivity
6) A chance to kiss women, who are out of your league, because they unwittingly stepped under the mistletoe.
5) A chance to grope women, who are out of your league, because they unwittingly walked too close to the poinsettia. (family tradition)
4) Late night Christmas Eve toy construction when it's o.k. to swear
3) Christmas MURDER! (Because the rest of the year it’s just plain murder.)
2) Midgets get to walk freely among normal people.
1) Conifer Genocide!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Top 10 failed marketing slogans for the “Segway”
10) And you thought you were fat before.
9) Nerds Of The World, Unite!
8) Paving the way to a more obese future.
7) Just (Let Someone Else) Do It!
6) Remember when people walked for leisure? Ha ha ha.
5) The Atrophiezer
4) When you fall over it’s not as hard to pick up as one of those motorcycle things.
3) The Vertical Geriatric
2) Best Chick Repellent Since B.O.
1) Suckway!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Top 10 Signs Your Wife Is Jealous Of Your Guitar
10) She reminds you daily of how sexy Garth Brooks is when he smashes his guitar at the end of a concert.
9) She wears earrings that look like tuning keys.
8) On your kitchen table you find an invoice from a private investigator and a manila folder full of black and white pictures of you and the guitar.
7) She likes to suggest hobby alternatives like drugs or alcohol.
6) In an effort to regain your attention she buys a G-string and an E, B, D, and A string to wear as lingerie.
5) She knows what every pawnshop in town is willing to give for it.
4) She spends an inordinate amount of time in an internet chat room conversing with a guy named “Mr. Banjo.”
3) She ends heated arguments with a crude gesture and the order to “STRUM THIS!”
2) When your high school girlfriend called to catch up, she took the kids outside to give you some alone time.
1) She refers to it as “The One Legged Whore.”
9) She wears earrings that look like tuning keys.
8) On your kitchen table you find an invoice from a private investigator and a manila folder full of black and white pictures of you and the guitar.
7) She likes to suggest hobby alternatives like drugs or alcohol.
6) In an effort to regain your attention she buys a G-string and an E, B, D, and A string to wear as lingerie.
5) She knows what every pawnshop in town is willing to give for it.
4) She spends an inordinate amount of time in an internet chat room conversing with a guy named “Mr. Banjo.”
3) She ends heated arguments with a crude gesture and the order to “STRUM THIS!”
2) When your high school girlfriend called to catch up, she took the kids outside to give you some alone time.
1) She refers to it as “The One Legged Whore.”
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